Regular readers know that I have just spent a few days in UK. It was a lovely break, but as is always the case when I leave again, I feel tied and pulled between the new and the old.
I have written before about this sense of dislocation and of feeling, not torn exactly, that’s too strong, but pulled in two directions. My two homes.
I know it will only last a couple of days. That life will settle again. That normality will return.
But, right now? Right now I’m not quite sure where I am. The ties to my old life always seem to tighten when I am in the UK. Bonds that have loosened become taut again. I question myself, my identity, my role, my usefulness.
Except that I am not one for self pity or self indulgence and perhaps much of my irritation lies in that. A feeling of suck it up, get on with things. Sort yourself out! All the while feeling that I am hovering somewhere mid-Atlantic :)
I wonder, as an expat, if this ever gets easier. If you are ever fully at home in one place again?
Because, really, my home will always be with my husband and children. I missed them terribly while I was away. A faint tug, a sense of something lost, always there in the corner of my thoughts.
But, that does not stop me from feeling a moment of loss each time I leave the UK. And, I think perhaps I wouldn’t want it any other way. A sense of place is important, I would not want to lose that.
Home is where your heart is, but it is also where your spirit lies.
How has your week been, what would your word of the week be?
Really well written! I know this feeling and despite having been in the UK for 5years now every time we Skype ‘home’ to the US or go to visit or even have someone visit us I feel this pull on my heart! But, I agree that my ‘home’ is where my two boys and husband are! :-)
It’s tough isn’t it, I don’t expect it to ever go away x
This must be so hard. Yes, home’s where the heart is and wherever your family are, but you’ve roots and relationships here, which must be hard to leave. I think it’s lovely that you settle back into those old relationships so easily, though, when you’re back here, which shows the strength of them, and what’s a few thousand miles?! Hope you settle again soon, thanks for sharing with #WotW x
That is very true Jocelyn, I still have strong ties which I am very grateful for x
I think it’s always hard to leave somewhere that holds so much in terms of family and personal history, but yes your home is always with your husband and children who happen to be a distance away. Being pulled in two directions is inevitable I suppose, but lovely in a way that you feel such strong positive emotions about both x
You are right, I am grateful that both places have strong ties for me x
I am actually missing home the Philippines and yet when I get there I dont know if I can stay as long as I want because part of me is here in the UK now too. Weirdly enough I get this post very very much =) #wotw
I’m sure you do, it’s hard isn’t it x
Oh hon it must be so hard, and understandably so, you must miss your family and friends terribly. Don’t be so hard on yourself though, you’re allowed to feel a bit down every now and then. Hugs lovely xxx #WotW
Thanks Renee xx
It must be so hard….Sending love and hugs!
Thank you Kim x
As an expat, I know exactly what you mean. I always feel a sense of loss when I travel from one country to another, though I feel most at home in the country of my birth, India.
It is tough, although I do think that I wouldn’t really want to feel differently about it x
I can definitely relate to this one. For the longest time I would refer back home as “home” and it used to bother my husband a bit. He would always remind me that for now, “this” is our home. And I always try to explain that while at the moment, Cornwall is where I live, I don’t think I can ever call this “home”. But you’re right, home is where my family is :) At the moment, this little cottage in a small village by the sea in North Cornwall is my home. In the future, we do plan to move back to where I originally refer to as home, back in the Far East ;)
It’s hard, I call both home to be honest, which gets a little confusing really! But, at the end of the day, home is with my husband and children x
It must be hard to feel torn between 2 places. I’m glad the feeling doesn’t last too long when you return to the USA. X #wotw
Thank you x
Sounds like a tough feeling, but I hope you’re no longer hovering over the Atlantic, now that would be tiring :) sending hugs x
Thank you, I’m firmly back in the US now :)
It must be hard to feel pulled between two places – your roots are in the UK but your home is where you husband and children are. Hope the feeling of being ‘mid-Atlantic’ eases soon x
Thank you Louise x