The Prompt: Change

The Prompt 82: Change

Yesterday, I dropped my daughter off for her second day of preschool.

Her first day went by in a blur. Keeping busy and clock watching. Enjoying an uninterrupted cup of tea.

Yesterday. Yesterday was different. I said goodbye, left the building and thought, oh.

What do I do now?

This is a moment I have been looking forward to. I’m not going to lie, it was time. We were both ready for this change.

And yet, I feel a bit lost.

I have a to-do list as long as my arm, a wish-list that’s even longer, but yesterday I couldn’t think of a single thing that I needed to do.

I got in my car and sat. And then I came home, determined to make the most of my few hours of freedom.

But, I couldn’t settle to anything.

I have never been afraid of change. I mean, I left my career and moved to the US. Change may be something I am lazy about. It took two years to bite the bullet and agree to move to the US! But, it is not something I fear.

Leaving my job and becoming a stay at home mum was a massive change. Huge. It took me a long time to adjust. In fact I’m not sure that, three years later, I really have.

And now, another big change. And an even bigger question. What on earth do I do next?

Because, for five hours of the day I’m back to being me.

And while I am sure that I could fill that time; have a tidy house, stay on top of the laundry, actually unpack the boxes in the garage; I know that isn’t enough.

Being at home for my little girl has been a privilege. Blooming hard work, but still the most amazing gift.

Now I have the chance to carve out something for me while all three of the children are at school, and I honestly haven’t got a clue what that might be. Yet.

But first, I need to accept this change.

I had thought that looking forward to it, being ready for it, was enough. I now realise that it’s not quite as simple as that.

My definition of myself remains fluid, and while this is not a bad thing in itself, to move forward I need a little more certainty, a little more structure.

And perhaps, this is a pivotal moment, one where I get to start building that simpler life I crave, one that I need to grab with both hands before it slips through my fingers and gets lost in the safety of familiarity.

Perhaps this is the time to rethink and reinvent. To focus on what I want, for me and my family.

Yes. Perhaps this is the moment.
 

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60 thoughts on “The Prompt: Change”

  1. Write a book about the cultural differences between Scotland and Boston, I bet it would be hilarious! Oh what do I know, I am dreading my eldest going back to Uni for her second year because of the change. The whole house changes, the atmosphere, it’s tidier and calmer, but I am dreading it. Here’s hoping that the adjustment doesn’t take too long for you both x x x

    1. Ha, maybe I could :) I am dreaming of a tidier house, but I know it will also be a much quieter house a lot of the time…

  2. I understand what you mean. A lot of time is devoted to children and their needs when you’re a parent. So much so that your needs are tucked away, and comes in last in ur priorities. Having this sudden freedom, I would imagine, can throw you off a bit, no matter how exciting or rewarding it may be.

    I hope, whatever you decide to do, you enjoy every bit of it. Happy for you for having me time back again. Thanks for hosting us on #ThePrompt! Have a great weekend :)

    1. Thank you Maria, it has thrown me more than I expected. It’s that need to justify your existence: if I’m not looking after the wee girl during the day, surely I should be doing something else instead…!

  3. I can definitely relate to how you’re feeling! My youngest is in pre-school two mornings a week, and I just stopped working at my part time job, so I feel like I have ALL THIS TIME each day.

  4. I had my first full day of this today and it felt so strange and great, but weird and kind of like I’d lost my little sidekick. So many emotions all at once. I haven’t been without him like that for 5 years. I know you’ve had it a lot lot longer so it must be doubly strange. I hope this next chapter in your life is just as or even more adventurous in lots of wonderful ways x

  5. Oh Sara it must be so strange not having the wee girl with you, you must feel so lost. I’m sure it will take a few days to adjust to the change. I say that and I’m a bit lost too – it’s all very odd! Five hours a day though, that’s incredible – imagine what you can do with all that time!

  6. Just make sure you only spend some of the time on the lists and some time just for you. Maybe use an hour to catch up with your favourite TV show, or a luxurious bubble bath, or write or learn something. The hours will fly by and you’ll son be wondering how you coped without them! :) x

    1. I have to admit, I managed to watch the last couple of episodes of Supernatural, before the new season starts :) But, yes, you’re right I need to find a bit of balance x

  7. Hello x

    I can relate to this post so much – partly because I’m just adjusting to having been made redundant and becoming a stay at home mum, and secondly because my little girl starts pre school this week. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll be lost with what to do as I also have a cheeky 11 month old ‘AKA Danger Mouse’. This post made me realise how much I’ll miss my big girl. Whatever you choose to do, do some stuff that makes you happy – you bloody deserve it, this mummy lark is hard work! Big Love x MMT #sundaystars

  8. I can relate to this too. My youngest has just started school and for the first time in 6 years I have some regular time to myself. I work 3 days a week but on my non-working days I’m enjoying the novelty of having a lazy breakfast after the school run, having time to read and just having some me-time. Hx #SundayStars

    1. I’m looking forward to getting into a healthier routine, at the moment I feel the need to be doing something all the time, to justify the hours, but I also need to have some time for me.

  9. It can take a little while for you to rediscover ‘you’ once the little ones start school, but its a positive change #AnythingGoes

    1. It is positive, and I am looking forward to it, just going to take me a little while to be completely comfortable with it x

  10. The fact that you view change so positively is very refreshing, and I think it puts you in a good position to take the right opportunity when it presents itself. Good luck :)
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Debbie

  11. The first day of school is THE WORST! I still have the baby and the preschooler at home with me, but the older three – who’ve been with me every waking minute for the last few months – are suddenly gone all day and it’s so weird. We just putter around with me feeling anxious for most of the day. It’s exhausting.

  12. It’s a weird moment, you long for them to grow up, you teach them the skills they need to be independent and then they use them! Enjoy the time to ponder and work out what you want to do next #anythinggoes

  13. Change is a funny beast isn’t it? Wish I had seen this prompt before, I’m hopeless with change and could write an essay on the subject! You’ll get used to it Sara, we all do eventually. As you say, such a blessing to have that time together, time you both will remember forever. x x

    1. Sorry, I forgot to tweet the reminder! I’m looking at it in a positive light, but recognising that it’s not quite as easy as I expected!

  14. Change can be hard, but it is so necessary for life to continue on. Sounds like you’re enjoy the change the is ahead for you.

    Stopping over from #TwinklyTuesday

    Marissa

  15. HI there, I can TOTALLY relate to all your feelings above…. we moved from London to NYC 2 years ago and have just moved across to San Fran. Since we have moved to the States I haven’t worked. However the kids (twins) started school last week (Kindergarten) and it really hit me….. what the hell am I going to do with all this time!!!?? I am mostly running around like a headless chicken not really achieving a great deal. I’m trying to stay super positive but it’s hard…. I feel like I should be working or doing something ‘productive’ now they are at school…. and the question from working mums of ‘what do you do?’ fills me with dread and horror and I immediately get defensive and over justify (my husband travels a lot / we just moved country / I used to be in PR… etc etc). Anyway, its good to know other people in the same boat and I am not the only one feeling a little lost by all the sudden change. x

  16. Great post Sara! I felt similar when the twins started nursery. The first day they went, I came back to the house and didn’t know what to do with myself initially — even though I had SO much to do!! Eventually it got to the point where now I relish the time they’re there. I can get on with stuff and really, really make the most of my time. But that first couple of days was SO odd. My two little compadres were missing and it felt so strange. Give it a couple of weeks and you’ll be up and running ;) Thanks so much for linking up with us xx #TwinklyTuesday

  17. Ooh can’t wait to hear what you decide to do with all the extra time! Funny how we sometimes wish fervently that we have more time and then when it happens it kind of stumps us. Thanks for linking up to #thetruthabout Xx

  18. This is a lovely post. I wish I could embrace change like you. I’m a bit fearful of change sometimes. Only big change though, not change that happens gradually and naturally. I’m already panicking about when Evie goes to school (I have three years yet). I have no idea what I’ll do, and even though I have a degree and have had lots of good jobs, I feel like I’ll be worthless to any employer because I would have spent a few years out bringing up my daughter and not focusing on a career. It’s scary looking forward. But I’ve chosen to take the opportunity to be in Evie’s life full time so probably should embrace my decision and not worry so much about the future. You should enjoy some downtime for the moment though, or maybe get a nice little hobby that’s all about you as a lovely reward for the last few years of no personal time. That’s definitely what I’d do. Maybe join some groups or a gym. Bugger tidying the house and doing laundry, that can wait! :-) x

    1. It is hard, I struggled for a long time with giving up work, but I now know that it was the best decision for me and actually I don’t want to go back to what I was doing before. I am definitely going to make some time for me, although a tidier house might be nice, on occasion!

  19. Haidee@Maybe Baby Brothers

    You’ll soon grow to enjoy those quiet times! Feet up with a cup of coffee and catch up on some mindless television! Perfect way to unwind :) #brilliantblogposts

  20. Your post really resonated with me as I felt exactly the same on my daughter’s first day of school! I had a to do list as long as my arm but couldn’t settle to anything! It was the same when she went back again this year, I’d been looking forward to the day but when it came the house just seemed too quiet!

  21. This reminds me of when my daughter started reception classl. A mum I’ve subsequently got to know walked out the playground. On the way she stopped and told all her friends “I’m free, I’m free for the first time in nine years!” Turns out she’d dropped off her youngest child for her first day! Don’t think she had much trouble adjusting to the change.

  22. This year I have all 3 of mine gone from 8-11:30 4 days a week. I was only lost and confused for about the first 10 minutes. Now I look at it as it’s only 14 hours to myself out of the entire week. And then half of that time is also shared with my husband being off work (he works 5 on 5 off in rotation) SO it really breaks my “entirely me” time down to just a few hours a week ;o) What was I sweating about? I am visiting from #thetruthabout.

  23. I totally empathise with the not knowing what to do in an empty house, my little one has recently started pre-school a couple of mornings and despite having a list of jobs as long as my arm and having been desperate for this time to arrive, I just can’t settle either. Good luck with the reinvention, I reckon I need a bit of that! xx

  24. Wow, such a change. I think that it is an especially big change when you are a stay at home mum. You suddenly have time to yourself. And how do you fill it? I hope that you use that time for you. I think you should do something that makes you feel happy and proud. It sounds like this should be your time. The laundry and the unpacking of boxes can wait. Thanks for linking up to #SundaysStars. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to comment. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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