I’ve written before about home. About what it means to me as an expat; how I have made myself feel at home here in the States, what I miss and what I don’t miss.
I’ve mused on the difference between my spiritual home of Scotland and the home I make with my family.
I’ve discovered; by moving many, many miles away from home; that I take my home with me. That it isn’t contained within the four walls of our house, but is part of us.
I’ve realised that while I miss people, I don’t miss things.
This has been liberating.
Tomorrow, the sale of our house in Edinburgh goes through. I haven’t mentioned this before as I have a (life long!) fear of jinxing things. Who knows, publishing this a day before the sale completes may be jinx enough!
This was not a decision taken lightly, we will return to Scotland in the future; but it was time to let go of our house there to allow us more freedom here.
Before we left the UK I imagined that I would have a strong sentimental attachment to the house; it was our forever house. After we left I was surprised by how little attachment I had to it (apart from my brand new kitchen…!). When you have children you have to very quickly make a home wherever you are. You can’t afford to keep looking back.
I find myself feeling strangely unsettled today though. As if a connection, long held and important, is broken. Intellectually, I know it isn’t. Intellectually I know that this is the right thing for us, right now. We need more space, we need more flexibility. We need to move!
But, it is odd that our house will no longer be our house. It was an anchor to our previous life; a safety net when we first moved, a comfort to us (and the family we have left behind).
This decision reflects a change in our lives; an acceptance that we are happy where we are for the moment, a will to live in the moment, a realisation that we do not need a house in Scotland for Scotland to be our home. We are moving forward; and this is right and good.
However, despite the logic and the intellectual acceptance, for today I cannot shake this feeling of disconnection. And, perhaps I don’t want to, or need to. I am secure in our decision, and I am secure in our life as it is.
For today I will allow myself to remember our old home, to say goodbye to it. And, although writing that sentence brought unexpected tears to my eyes; it is a momentary thing, and tomorrow I will look forward: to a new home here, to the space we so desperately need, to being able to give the kids the garden and playroom and privacy that they so desperately need.
It is all good. I am good. My home is here, with my family.
[Update 9 April 2015: I’m linking this post up with the lovely Chantelle from Seychelles Mama, for her Expat Family linky. It’s now been almost a year since we sold our home in Edinburgh. We will be visiting Scotland over Spring Break and, as it always does, an impending visit to the UK gets me thinking about home and all that it means.]
Wow, well I hope you haven’t jinxed it, I’m sure you haven’t! I can understand why it is emotional, even though intellectually you know its the right thing. It marks a change and makes your move to the states that bit more permanent. Really interesting post Sara, I hope all goes well and you can now get all of the extra space that you need! Xx
Thank you Caroline, I’m sure it will all go through now :) It’s been interesting seeing my reaction to it, as the day has drawn closer, but it’s all good – and hopefully soon I can get all (well, at least some of) the toys out of the living room!
Best post ever Sara. I was worried when I saw Me and Home title come through my emails that it might be a post to save for later as I am particular homesick at the moment having not been back to the states for the longest time since I moved to the UK. But I clicked anyways prepared that it might bring my own emotions up as an expat. Thank you so much for writing that I am so glad on this particular day I read it. It put things in perspective because you are right home is where my kids are and this is my home. Congrats on selling the house. I bet that was hard, or at least emotional. It’s saying goodbye to memories and a piece of you. It’s normal to feel a little something for it. But glad you are looking at it all positive and how it can free you up in the states to do what you need or want. Biggest hugs to you my expat friend! I don’t think you will jinx it 24 hours before. Wink win ;)
Thank you Jenny, what a lovely comment. I am glad that it was a good post for you to read. It’s hard, isn’t it, being homesick. It’s not there all the time, but every so often it sweeps over you. Hugs my lovely xx
Thanks hun. Yes sometimes it takes over completely and other time I am absolutely fine. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. I loved this post.
My pleasure, thanks for hosting x
This is big news, and I now understand your mysterious references earlier this month when we were tweeting! It sounds like the best thing to do right now, and if it gives you a better life out there, then fabulous. But I can understand your emotions, as logic can’t control those, and it’s OK to give them free rein as you say goodbye to that home. You can always return, you can always buy again – look at what you’ve achieved already out in Boston. Hope all goes smoothly tomorrow and thanks for sharing with #TheThemeGame x
Yes, it’s all happened rather quickly, decision made a month or so ago and that was it! And, you’re so right about buying again, having made this huge move the thought of house hunting, buying, selling doesn’t phase me anymore :) Thanks for hosting, so glad I managed to join in again, been too long x
Similar to what I was trying to say in my ‘No place like Home’ post Sara – home is more than a place, it is a concept and a mental construct. I will always feel like the place I grew up is my ‘home’ but I don’t miss the actual physical house that I grew up in. When my parents moved away from there it was the right time for them, the right time for all of us. My Grandma (who lived with them) had died that year and it was time to move on. I think that sounds completely true for you guys too – time to move on and of course it doesn’t change your future – you will come back to Scotland when the time is right but just enjoy your lives Stateside in the meantime! X #thethemegame
Absolutely, I’ve written about it before; looking at what it means to be an expat and far from ‘home’. There are things I miss, but most of them aren’t the ones I was expecting to miss. Once you’re not living in a house, it’s just a house, not a home x
It must be hard if you still have family in Scotland. I did the opposite. I lived in Scotland but returned ‘home’ when my family arrived. What a great upbringing your kids will have though, learning from so many cultures, knowing that the world is a big place, yet ever so small at the same time!
It’s hard as we have family dotted around the UK and Ireland, we’re far from home, but as you say the world is really a very small place now. And, the experience the kids are having is fantastic x
Oh Sara it is understandable that you would feel a little wobbly about selling your home. It’s packed full of memories, but you can keep those in your heart…and I think you’re doing the right thing focusing on the positives, but allow yourself to feel sad too as you let go – it’s possible to do both. Hugs xxx
Thanks E, you’re right and I think I should feel a little sad, it would be stranger if I didn’t x
Oh Sara, I had a little wobble reading this too! We have always stayed very close to where we grew up, and have never made a move as life-changing as yours, but I can relate totally to the idea of letting a house go, and all the memories it carries with it. My goodness, I sobbed my heart out when we sold our previous home. But you’re so right about home being where your little family are. Big hugs, and the very best of luck in your new house hunt- I’m excited to hear all about it!xxx
Thank you Emma, the house hunt begins in earnest now :) It’s been a tough day though, have to admit, far more than I expected x
What a big day for you – sending you a hug. In a selfish way, I am happy to hear that it means you’ll be here a bit longer:-)
Thank you Amanda, I’m glad to be staying too x
Congrats on selling your house, it’s such a big step though. We sold ours 12 years ago when we first moved to the states, but every time we go back home to Scotland for a visit we drive by and look at it. We are going home in the summer and it will be 3 years since we have gone back (way too long for us) and again we will drive by our last Scottish home. It has a special place in our hearts and in our photographs but our home here in Texas is our home from home. It’s where we are as a family and I feel more settled now. Homesickness is not easy though and big moments in life like this will creep up on us and make us sad, but that’s ok. It’s all mixed emotions isn’t it ? (Hugs)
You’re so right Angela, real mixed emotions x Part of me is so excited about the opportunities this opens up, but I’m surprisingly sad to say goodbye to the house, or perhaps it’s more that I’m saying goodbye to Scotland for a bit longer than originally anticipated x
I wondered if you’d make things more permanent in Boston! Good luck for the next stage!
Thank you :)
Is this the house you mentioned to me? I think it would be strange if you weren’t to feel something like this to be honest. It’s part of your family past and present. But it’s also marking a change and the future. It’s exciting though too and you’ll return to Scotland when the time is right :)
It is Iona. I agree, I would feel worse if I didn’t feel sad. And it is exciting x
I can imagine the.emotional connection you have, I had the same with the first house I bought by myself, but selling it meant having a house with my now husband. Best of luck for completion tomorrow and in taking your family to their new home xxx
Thank you Hannah, we are looking forward to moving :)
I hope the sale goes through smoothly and you enjoy your home where it may be x
Thank you Sonia x
It always feels so great after a decision has been reached after so much contemplation x #ShareWithMe
You’re right Alexandra, there is a sense of relief at the decision being made x
I firmly believe home is where the heart is, but I can really feel how hard it must be from your post, wishing you all good things in your big move, good luck!
Thank you. It’s strange that I almost feel worse now than I did when we first moved over!
We did the same when we lived in Switzerland. We sold our house because we knew that even if we returned home, it wouldn’t be to that particular one. It was strange sitting in another country on the day that contracts were exchanged and completed so I know how you feel. I’m sure you have fond memories and photos and they will always be with you x
I think that is essentially the realisation we came to too. It was very strange today knowing it was all happening without me! But, it’s done now, time to start house hunting again… x
What an emotional time! Hopefully, after the sale you’ll feel a new freedom not having that extra responsibility. Also, I love the picture at the top of your post! :)
Thanks you, I’m sure I will x And the photo is of our current house in the US :)
Good luck with the final stage of your sale. I think this part is always a little emotional even if your only moving nearby. We all get that ‘have I done the right thing’ moment, as once completed we can’t go back. Once you find and settle into your new home you’ll be fine, after all home is where you and your family are.
That’s exactly it, it’s final, no going back on it! Thank you x
I haven’t moved house since I had my eldest, BP more than 9 years ago. I’m not sure how I would cope with being so far away, I would hope that I would be like you and be able to see that my family make the home. Looking forward is always the best way, you can’t live life wondering what may happen. But yes, I think allowing yourself that one day to reflect is a good thing. Hope that sale goes through. xx
Thank you Morgan, the sale did indeed go through, so now we can start house hunting properly here for something a bit bigger! Yay :) Having moved so far, moving again doesn’t hold the same fear as it once did x
Oh goodness Sara, this must be a huge step for you but well done! I think it’s important to write these feelings down, almost to say goodbye to them and I’m so pleased that by the end of the post you had turned it into a positive :) As you say, you cannot put your life on hold and you need to make a permanent home, even if you plan to return one day. Our friends moved to Australia 5 years ago and they have only just bought a home over there. Until they did that, I don’t think they felt settled. This is an important step for you and one that I’m sure will be quite releasing….and exciting!
Thank you Suzanne, it does feel like a big step, but I know it’s the right one. When we moved (for two years…!) we bought a ‘two year house’ with just enough room, but no breathing space, at all. Now with the kids getting bigger, we’ve outgrown it and really need a bit more flexibility! Let the house hunting commence :)
Wishing you all the best as you create even more foundations in your new home.
Nowhere near the same- I moved my English husband and my ‘English’ children back to Wales (ok 200 miles is really incomparable :-) ), but whilst our home was where I held so many memories which hold such a dear, unique place in my heart, they can not be touched.
And now, I do hope the next family is creating equal memories, and they will in your house.
I have truly understood that a home is yours, a house is the physical structure- you have created home for you and yours, and I hope you find the sale creates your own complete.
Thank you Debbie, you are right, a house is only a home when you are in it. I hope that for the next family too, as they are good friends of ours (!) and I wish them as much happiness in the house as we had :)
I hope it went smoothly. We moved house last year from a house we’d lived in for 10 years. It was our first year and we got engaged, married and had both kids there (not literally in the house). I expected it to be emotional to leave the house, but it was surprisingly easy. Keep hold of the memories of the house and the time you spent there.
We were the same, after 6/7 years in the house, I expected the initial move to the States to be much harder and to miss the house. We didn’t. But, there was just something in the final letting go that took me by surprise x
Oh wow Sara, what a touching post. I really empathise having moved on to another country while feeling that my heart and roots are left behind. We most certainly grew up with the mantra that wherever we – our family unit – were was home, and it helped to pull us together and make the letting go more bearable, although not a day goes by that I don’t think about “home”. Change is difficult, but life always moves forward, and most importantly, changes do not erase your past. Wishing you happiness moving forward and happiness looking back. #AllAboutYou xx
Thank you, it’s tough isn’t it? But, you’re right, moving can’t take away your memories and your connection. And, change can be good x
I love this and I know you’re right. That old saying about home is where the heart is really is true. Recently a possible move across country was on the cards for us and I was adamant we would not sell this house- too many memories etc. But at the end of the day memories are within us and not within the bricks of a bulding. Lovely post
x x
#ShareWithMe
It took nearly two years for me to sell the house for that very reason, but I have taken the memories with me and although sad I actually feel free; I know that any move me make now won’t be so hard, that we take all the good stuff with us x
Really relate to this and after 11 years in London was suprised how quickly we settled first in Bristol then in Leeds which was originally my home and truly feels like it again. I’m quite flexible though and whenever I go abroad, even for a holiday it quickly feels like home. As as you are with the people you love, it doesn’t matter where you are. Loved this post. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts
Thank you, home is definitely about people x Thanks for hosting x
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That is a big step, but it’s a good one to go through. It is liberating I think and I also agree with you that home is where you are, not a set of walls in a far off place. I’m glad a year later it’s all still going well. #myexpatfamily
You’re right it was liberating; it’s very freeing to know that you’ll be fine as long as your family is with you x
I’m so glad the house sale went through! I’m a bit superstitious like that too! I think you are spot on about missing people and not things. Maybe it’s the type of people we/expats are that helps us to adapt and make our home where we lay our heads. There is something to be really proud of in that – we form tight bonds with our family and throw ourselves into new friendships (often as a family). I’m sad to miss so many of my ‘home’ friends and see the reunions and parties they have in London, where we were all working. But I can’t be sad about the experiences I’ve enjoyed and the travellers I’ve met along the way. Lovely to have found your blog.
It really is all about people, and I do miss being able to go to the parties and gatherings (I turned 40 the year after we moved and watched everyone else have a big party back home!). But, you’re right, I wouldn’t miss the experiences I’ve had.
That was a huge thing to do, selling your home back in Scotland….as you said it was a ‘safety net’ !! We didn’t own a house when we moved away so never had that emotional tie or potential emotional tie at least! It’s good that you were able to focus on the necessity of it and the positivity of it!!
I bet it was strange for you looking back on this post, that the time has FLOWN by!
Thanks as always for joining in with #myexpatfamily lovely x
It was huge, such a big step in breaking our connections to home, but for all the right reasons x
We’ve loved and lived in our tiny little home for 6 years and I feel like in so attached to it and our street. We do need to move at some point and this post gives me a bit of assurance that home is indeed where you make it. You definitely sound like you’re very much settled now x
Home really is where the heart is, however clichéd it sounds. It was liberating to realise that x
I actually teared up when i read this…i still kinda have a lump in my throat. We also kept our home when we became expats. We are lucky that we have a family member who was willing to move in and take care over it while we were gone. We did however move our things out….it was really hard for me to see on Facebook when they moved their things in. It is like yours was a link to home, a safety net that will be there when we go back, a reason to go back.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, gosh, sorry to make you cry! One of my best friends moved into our house when we left, and then subsequently bought it, I suspect that made it slightly easier, although it is very strange seeing it with their furniture instead of ours…!
Reading this gave me goose bumps… I’ve moved so many times that I’ve tried to force myself not to get too attached to physical buildings and places. As you say, it doesn’t make sense intellectually and I do honestly believe you can make a home anywhere. That said, I still feel a strong emotional connection to some of the flats and houses I’ve lived in, and I’ve never even owned any of them! It’s human nature to attach significance to certain places and things, and I’ve stopped fighting it. As we gear up to leave Italy I find myself mentally cataloging the places and things that mean something to me and that I know I will always feel sentimental about. It’s okay though – I’ve decided they are simply a part of my story and even though I will let them go without a fight, it’s okay to hold on to them in my heart.
That’s the thing isn’t, you never really lose them, you take the memories with you wherever you go x
Ooh this gave me the shivers. We haven’t bought our forever home yet busy are busy hopping round from expat home to expat home, we’ve just moved, and you’re right its amazing how quickly the new place becomes your home!!! #myexpatfamily
It is, isn’t it. Home really is where your family is x
I have been here in the UK for some time now and yet I still call Manila home. I know that where your family is, that is home. And yet home for me is where my parents and sister are. This is such an emotional post. The one that I understand from the bottom of my heart. #myexpatfamily
It’s hard isn’t it. I still think of Scotland as my home, but I also feel at home here. We get pulled in all sorts of directions, don’t we x