How to manage Holidays that don’t look like everyone else’s

Thanksgiving this year got me thinking. Family holidays, with all the associated social media, can be really tough. Not all celebrations look the same, and some of us aren’t celebrating at all. So, how do you manage holidays that don’t look like everyone else’s?

We had a quiet Thanksgiving this year, so there are no photos of elaborate table settings, or extended family. Because, we had neither, and our little family wasn’t complete as my eldest stayed at college. We had a nice day, and not being American, Thanksgiving isn’t really our holiday, but seeing all the big gatherings and elaborate celebrations made me pause.

It’s hard when your life doesn’t look like it’s expected to. And, expectations are always tricky, and rarely realized in the way you hope.

So, this is for all the people whose holidays don’t look like the greeting cards, or the Instagram posts, or the adverts. It’s okay, they don’t need to.

And, I’m right there with you.

From experience, as an expat, as a parent, as a messy, imperfect person, here are my tips to manage holidays when they don’t look like everyone else’s:

Manage expectations

As a project manager, managing expectations, from clients through to team members, was critical. I have taken this lesson into my personal life. Be realistic, and plan. How can you make the best of the situation?

However, there is a difference between managing your own expectations and ruining experiences for yourself, and others. Be careful.

Telling yourself that things might not work out the way you want them to is okay, but assuming that things will always go wrong is not. And, telling your kids all the ways that things could go wrong, is also not. I learnt this one the hard way. What I saw as proactive protection, they saw as overprotection and control. It took away the excitement and anticipation.

Comparison is the thief of joy

This is an overused quote, but it is absolutely true. If scrolling social media is going to make you feel bad around a holiday, just don’t scroll. And, don’t compare what’s happening for you on that one day, to a curated feed from someone else. You aren’t comparing like with like.

Done is better than perfect

I love this quote. As a self-confessed, recovering, perfectionist, I live by this. Whatever your holidays look like, something is better than nothing, and perfection is impossible. Enjoy the messy, incomplete, genuine moments.

You get to decide

AND you get to decide what your holiday looks like. Not an influencer or a blogger. Not your mum, or your friends or your neighbor. You. Figure out what actually matters, and do that.

Shout into the void

If you need to, shout into the void. Scream your frustration. Acknowledge it, name it. Take away its power over you. But, give yourself permission to feel all the things.

Accept what you can’t change

Once you’ve shouted, make peace with the things that you can’t change.

If your family can’t all be with you? Enjoy those who are. If you find yourself alone for a holiday? Then, make your favorite food, do your favorite activity, FaceTime your best friend. Cuddle your dog.

I know, from experience, that this is the part that’s super hard, because it’s likely that you don’t have, or feel that you don’t have, any control over what you need to accept. But, sometimes, it just is what it is.

Make your own traditions (or not)

If you crave traditions, make your own. If you feel like traditions exert undue pressure in your already overwhelming life, then don’t. There are no rules, and traditions don’t have to be elaborate, costly or complicated. They don’t have to exist at all.

Appreciate the small wins

Make sure that you appreciate the wins, however small. Because, gratitude really does help. When I feel like everything that could go wrong has, finding a small moment that was good, or made me smile, or made someone else smile, helps me recalibrate.

Do you

Above all else, you do you. Please. The unrealistic expectations that this digitally connected world have added to our lives are made to break us. Don’t let them.