I should have gone back to work yesterday.
I’m still not quite sure how I feel about this.
Had we not moved, my maternity leave would have ended and I would have gone back to working four days a week yesterday. When I say four days, I really mean five or six, with regular meetings on my days off and my ‘working from home’ days. Regularly being in the office, or on a train, by 7am. Never seeing the kids in the morning. Arriving to pick the younger ones up from nursery to find them in rainbow outfits. Trying to get away in time to pick the older one up from school at least a couple of days a week.
Juggling. Failing. Dropping balls all over the place.
I loved my job. My career defined me. Even after I had the boys I couldn’t quite let go of that. Who am I, if not the successful project manager?
But then we moved, and I discovered a different pace. I’m still tired a lot of the time. But it’s a good tired – I’m busy; with schools runs, activities, playing.
I sleep now.
Will that be enough in the long run? How long before I start going a bit nuts? I have days now where I feel like my head is going to explode at the end of the day – the noise! I crave silence. I need time off.
Even though I resigned last July, just before we moved, in my mind I have been on maternity leave until now.
Now I am unemployed. This is a strange realisation, and one that I still have to process.
But I am enjoying spending more time with my kids so much. I am seeing them in a way that I didn’t get the opportunity to before. We have fun. We laugh, a lot. And I am getting to see and do everything with the wee girl. We do classes and activities and play dates. I missed out on that with the boys.
I have no real desire to return to work at the moment. I joke with my husband that I’ll never work again. I think that is unlikely, but I am in no rush.
This new pace; this slower, calmer, less stressful existence is working for me and my family. We are happier.
I’ve linked this post up to #PoCoLo at Verily, Victoria Vocalises